troublesome

We went to a party at somebody's house Saturday and I think I offended this guy we know. It was very subtle, I could be imagining it. I'm not obnoxious, if you were wondering. The parties we attend generally involve people J. knows. My friends sometimes have party type gatherings but he rarely goes because luckily for him he is working those days or he has to mow or he works the next day. We arrived sort of later since I was off work at 5. We got there and I was there and J. opened my bottle of wine for me, but then he was talking to somebody else so I hovered around with a plate full of food, near him until it became obvious that J. was not going to either talk to or sit with me, so I went over to a table with some people I know, two of them I went to their wedding where J. was the best man, and then there's this kid J. was with in Iraq last time. Well he's almost my age so he's not really a kid. But, not the point. The point is, I think I offended him. He and the other two (the married couple) were talking, or else they were teasing him about how he does want kids, he does want a wife, sort of, but he doesn't want the trouble of a wife.

This whole topic bugs me. I don't even need to analyze my feelings on the subject. I already know what my problem is. The fact is, I cannot figure out why J. would go on and on about wedding dresses and Lake Tahoe with the snow falling and all this marriagey crap while he was in Iraq but then as soon as he got home that was just completely off the table. I even asked him, the other day we were getting in the car after going to Target to get somebody a baby card and I said, "Why would you talk about all that stuff? Well I took you seriously! And now just nothing?" And he says "Well that doesn't mean I wasn't serious." or something. What? Then you were serious but now not so serious? It isn't that I'm worried he's not committed, it's just confusing for me to have that out there. I told my friends. So now it feels like everybody's looking at me weird and I feel like I'm on an episode of Seinfeld.




So of course, back to the Saturday party, sitting at the table when they brought that up with this other guy at the table, stab stab, my brain felt offended for some reason and I said, mainly to the only wife sitting at that table, "What is the trouble with a wife? How is a wife any trouble?" because honestly is that true? Wives are troublesome? I don't know.

Obviously I have some issues. I was a wife. But the guy who married me turned out to be gay and what does that make me? How do I identify with anything after that. Was I really a wife or was I just a front? I mean honestly if dick-head hadn't married me under false pretenses I could possibly be still happily in Louisiana and probably eventually I would have figured out my problems with self esteem (because hey, I was obviously flawed before I met & married that guy) and perhaps would now be happily going about life in a nice house with a wonderful guy and delightful full time children with no undue outside influences (i.e. my ex inlaws who according to my children have nothing nice to say about me, and in my opinion may indeed be part of the reason every day is such a struggle.) A struggle because I made the stupid mistake of being drawn in by this particular big fat liar. And please if you at this moment feel inclined to say "Well but then you wouldn't have your children." as in, the children I currently have. Just hear me out. Nothing really makes sense when I think about it. What I thought was the truth really wasn't the truth so I have this gap of 10 years or so where I was obviously living in the Twilight Zone. After just being a convenience, a closet, some stupid girl who was stupid enough to end up in that situation, I still know I was a super wife in the technical sense, a wife who made everything okay because to live any other way was risky, to be honest. Angry gay men in denial do not the best husbands make, he was obviously not my friend.

How is a wife any trouble? I asked, and then I said under my breath, "I don't know what planet you're from!" and then became lost in my own thoughts on the subject until I noticed he had totally turned his back to me. Which was fine. Really.

So finally J. came over and sat down at a table nearby with some other friends of his. So I schooched my chair over and ate a few of his potato chips and half his deviled egg and forgot about the whole thing.