it's nothing

nothing at all.

Hi Lauren did you have a great weekend?
Well no. I had a great Friday day but after I got off work I headed over to J's.
He had previously stated a desire to go to some bar somewhere and attend something called "Happy Hour" which I personally have never experienced and I was excited and thought I would try an AppleTini.

Evidently just the idea of Happy Hour was not enough to make him Happy. Nor was the idea of spending time with me. Keep in mind, seriously ultimately in the grand scheme of things none of this matters. I'm still keeping him because he gives money to homeless people while they're walking down the street with bags of cans they've collected. Well, no, specifically he gives money to this one particular guy. But anyway you get the idea. Nobody on my planet does that but him and last time he did it my kids were in the care and I was in awe of the great and wonderful example he is to them. He's a real human being with compassion and never ever will I ever deviate from my one goal of being with him for the rest of our natural born lives.

Meanwhile Friday after school I went to his house and let myself in with the key I never gave back. Had the key since last time when he was in Iraq. Kept the key. Needed to use the bathroom so instead of holding it till I got across town to my own house, I just drove over to his house. Does this make sense? When he was in Iraq he was talking about getting married and now I'm mentioning the fact that I never gave back his key. To his house. That eventually will be mine. So really who needs marriage when somebody puts you in their will, right? Well I do. But what I want doesn't seem very important. Obviously he thinks he's found a better way. And my wounded feelings this weekend are not really that bad in relation to how I would feel if I was all alone all the time without him.

This will blow over and all will be well but geez I really feel selfish and annoyed and bored and alone and petulant and therefore I am going to blog about it.

I either texted him that I was using his toilet or he called me while I was at his house but to my dismay, he said he was too tired to go anywhere and he was sorry. For some reason I got the impression he wanted to be alone.

Really?

Seriously I'll be very still and quiet and it will be the same as alone just warmer.

I didn't say that. I said over the phone to him while he was sitting in the parking lot at Wal Mart, "So I'm already at your house, do you actually want me to leave?" and he said yes, so I gathered up my hurt feelings from all over his living room floor and draped them across the couch, then I left.

I knew he was at Wal Mart so I went there and left a stupid note written in green sharpie about how I was sorry he's having a crap-ass day and one day I will know the magic words that will make him happy. Then I left there too. No awkward hugging and leaving and driving and crying for me. Nope. Leave well enough alone.

So he worked Thursday and was off Friday but this weekend he had work every day for the guard. This is not his favorite part of life. My beef here is every time I texed him to try and cheer him up, I got nothing. Then suddenly I got something about he had to go to a Ducks Unlimited banquet last night and he wasn't sure what time he'd get home.

Like, to his house.

Fine.
Fine. Just fine.
Hear how loud I am typing on the keyboard?

At two-ish I was at work so I missed his call. But only because he was at work. Maybe I would have answered if I wasn't at work. Around eleven-ish there was an earthquake in Oklahoma so I texted him about that trying to pretend everything is normal.  Nothing.

So, last night, no word. Nothing this morning.

Fine.

A minute ago from him, "Hope you are having a nice afternoon."
Not really, no.

Maybe I just need to be alone. Is that passive agressive?

I tried to text about my feelings the other day but got ignored. Really texting is not the way to go with that but sometimes it's the only option.

Or he was just so despondent he couldn't be moved to text back even a fake cheerful answer.

You know what? I do that. Even if I'm crappy, I still try make everyone else comfortable. Nobody except my long suffering sisters know how I really feel.

I don't think it's passive aggressive because honestly, Friday and Saturday I was excited to get even a crumb of attention, which by now, Sunday, after no attention, now it's not such a great thing to get a crumb. I'm not being that way because I'm mad. It's more like a let down. Once you get let down, why try harder to get more let down? I already did that all day Saturday I think.

Is it not possible to feel crappy, be alone, and still be polite enough so a person doesn't panic over her own feelings of abandonment and fear of rejection? Seriously we can go a few days barely talking and I'm fine, but wow, disrupt my schedule and I'm a freak. When I was seeing a therapist in 2004 shortly after my separation from my emotionally abusive husband and congruent to the oncoming freight train of divorce mayhem, she suggested I have something like post-traumatic stress. For example, if the ex-husband sends nasty e-mails I get the chills, I get palpitations, I feel nauseated. Still.

Does that explain this? I don't think J's a bad person for wanting to be alone. I don't think I'm a bad person for freaking out, how ever minor this freakishness may appear to be. I'm not usually like this.