This is Thursday. My brain is hurting. It feels foggy and worried and looking for answers I don't have for questions I'm not sure about.

I was going to try and sell prints of my artwork but I can't see how to do it and I'm reluctant to just try stuff till it works so I keep not doing it. I wanted to sell the originals too. I guess I should stick to prints though because even if people love the artwork they still don't want to pay for the big paintings. I just don't want to spend more money right now. I guess I will wait till I have some savings.

The inspection for the house came and went and we asked for some repairs and stuff to be checked so now we have to wait I guess and see if they are going to repair the things? I don't know. I didn't realize buying a house would be so unbelieveably time consuming. I thought I'd be moved in by next week. I thought I'd never find a house at all, not that I have a house, it isn't even mine.

I am trying to figure out why I feel like such a fraud. I am completely ignorant of how to make prints and sell them, so what kind of artist am I? I am an artist who knows how to make the old fashioned kind of prints! I got in on the very tail end of the renaissance! I can make beautiful black and white prints with real film and actual chemicals, which happens to be expensive. I can make block prints which I have little interest in doing. So yeah, I'm a non-modern artist.

I don't know when I'll feel like a real grown-up because I have this limbo life, I'm old, I have kids, I don't have a house but I'll have a house that isn't really mine, except I'll eventually be on the title. I have a job but not a real job which is why the house can't be mine really until I get put on the title later because my job, like I said, isn't really a real job it's like a temp job or being "on call" with no benefits, etc. and the bank/loan business sort of thinks that's a problem. So if someone thinks it's a problem that my current choice of income producing work is sort of based on how many teachers need substitutes... shouldn't I think that's a problem too? But there are subs out there that do indeed have that as their living. Although, I do have an Iowa retirement card dealie because I worked enough to have established a relationship with the school district of some sort, so that they take out money and contribute (something? nothing? What?) to my retirement. Which will be minimal.

Not that it matters because I'll be okay in the end, everything always ends up fine but I fret over things until the end-up part arrives. I have a boyfriend with some sort of unusual "surprise" wedding plans I'm completely okay with except I hate not knowing how things are going to turn out. Really. I don't like it. I'm okay with letting him do his own thing because obviously if it was that important to me I'd say something about it, right? He sort of discussed this with me the other day. Actually he nearly said something then said no he wasn't going to say more then I pressed him for info and he said it would be unexpected. Great. I'm sure I'll be delighted. Eventually. Which is conflicting.

I'm upset about my thyroid this week. My "doctor", I think she's a nurse practitioner, anyway last Monday I asked her bout taking natural thyroid hormones to replace the things my body doesn't make. Right now I have the synthetic kind, and I feel like it's doing the job half-ass and frankly so many people with hypo-thyroid problems I know, all both of them, are on they natural products and one of them says shes feeling great based on switching to them from the synthetics. The other one, I'm not sure how she is doing, or if she really knows what's going on or not...but still. I'm not happy with the synthetics. I talked to the lady I see at the office of medical whatever and she said ultimately it's my choice what I put in my mouth, but she likes the synthetics better. I asked if she even knew anything about the nautral stuff and she doesn't. So I told her I'd do the research. Except now I've done the research, it's Thursday, and she's out of the office till Monday. So I'm going to call her on Monday and of course, now I'm upset. Plus, now I've done all this research, and there's still the chance she isn't going to see things my way. Plus, now I've done all this research and my kids only see that I spend all my time online.

How do I not obsessively search for more and more information to put in my brain, which may or may not remember it because my thyroid brain fog is just ridiculous right now. (I am making a document with my plan typed up and what I want her to know about... hopefully she feels like I'm organized enough to do this, instead of being offended that I'm telling her what to do. Why can't there be some kind of magic?

 I shaved my son's head the other day. He had magnificent hair and asked me to shear him with my clippers. I did. I used the one inch guard. He kept telling me shorter, till eventually I think I clipped him 1/8 of an inch. This is fine, but hard to get used to.