A lot of people wrote about going on disability and being unable to handle their lives. In addition to that, I have been pondering my youngest son's 10th birthday. Wow, you know, people ask sometimes, where do you see yourself in 10 years. I think I may have actually got there.
In a past life I was a church secretary & worked there almost 7 years. The pastor (a former psych nurse) was there several years and he knew me fairly well. I worked there thru 2 pregnancies, the boys are 17 months apart 2001 & 2002, and I did fine working and pregnancy wise, the entire time. At some point I also had cataract surgery on both eyes which helped my vision like a miracle.
In 2004 I didn't know I was hypothyroid, or even what that was, but I had a big problem I didn't know about. I was going through a ridiculously contentious divorce at this time as well, so when the kids were at their dad's, I would sleep. I don't really remember a lot about that period in time but I believe my house was a disaster. I would go to work, then pick up my boys and come home and sort of sleep/supervise. At work, my brain was fuzzy and I made stupid mistakes while printing the church bulletins every week and putting the calendar together, and scheduling things. I knew I was screwing up, and I had no idea what was wrong. I thought it had to be ADHD. I would spend time trying to re-re-organize my calendars, or keep track of what I did, I would make lists of the tiny tasks I performed, which I felt like would show how much work I was doing, except it didn't help. It didn't matter.
The pastor saved up every mistake I made in a big list and then he and the church council president sat me down presented me with a few options; resign or take a pay cut/fewer hours. I was freaking out, in a very subtle, sleepy, sad sort of way. I had no idea what was going on. I remember listening to them talking to me about my performance, as if I was in a fishbowl and their voices were all wavy and my vision was blurry and I just wanted to put my head down on the table during the entire meeting. Insane! I was forced to resign, they weren't really offering me the options, and so I went home and slept and slept and slept.
Then I pulled myself together a little bit, but it wasn't easy. A friend found odd jobs for me to do for her business, and after spending a good deal of time with me, she suggested I see a doctor. I got a simple blood test. My TSH was 56 on a scale of 0.4-4.0, the nurse told me if hers was that bad she'd be on the floor asleep. I was working my butt off helping my friend, and sleeping, or laying on the deck watching my kids play without me. I was started on a very low dose of levoxyl. A while later I got a job, and the task was to help open a retail store. This job required ladder climbing, heavy lifting, concentration. I don't know how I did it. I would go in to work at 6 AM still exhausted from closing the night before.
Over the course of 3 years I went slowly from about 25 mcg of levoxyl to 112mcg, where a former Dr. held me for a long time. Over the course of 3 years I worked my way up from temporary set up employee, to full-time, to hourly department manager, to assistant manager and a salary! That was my first "real job" - I got the promotion the same week the company announced they were filing for bankruptcy and started closing stores. I closed down the store, locked the door for the last day on Dec. 23 in 2008, and sat around wondering what to do next.
I went back to school and two years later got my teachers license. Until an art teacher job opens up, I'm a substitute teacher. I have student loans, and no insurance, since I don't have a "real job". I pay cash (on a sliding scale) at the district health clinic for all my tests, etc. The PA I see these days has worked me up from 112 to 137 mcg of Synthroid and last test was TSH 1.05, which I am pretty happy about.
I have put on 40 lbs since this all started (I was hyper-thyroid for a brief amount of time and lost a lot of post-pregnancy weight, luckily, or I would really be huge.) I eat very carefully and burn a lot of calories every day, but actual weight loss eludes me.
Recently my PA agreed to let me start taking Armour thyroid, which is a natural product derived from dessicated pig thyroid...so I'm switching over slowly to Armour. I'm really super-focusing on my eating habits, so I have lost about 4 lbs. but I'm not really that excited since I have a tendency to gain and lose the same 8 lbs. in a matter of days. For the summer I have a very-part-time job, and just applied for another one, so next month I'll probably have 3 jobs including substituting, plus I'm signing up for graduate classes because I'm working on a special education endorsement.
Oh, and I'll be 40 this year. My youngest son turns 10 soon. My biggest dream is to have a real job, and to stop renting and own a real home.
1 comment:
Wow, the time line put it into perspective. I "met" you as you were working your final days at the linen shop. I never knew you had just gotten a promotion.
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