On a big cookie sheet with sides, with a cookie cooling rack inside it, covered with some Reynolds's wrap parchment paper, bake a pack of bacon. Put half the bacon on the contraption, and cook it for whatever amount of time at 400 degrees. 15 min to start but check on it before you decide to remove from oven. It should be sizzly on top and crispy not flabby and gross.
Do this first, then when that bacon is done, pour the bacon grease into a Coors light can you fished out of the recycling, because it's handy, right? Put the bacon in paper towels and do the rest of the bacon after that. You can use the parchment twice, actually I used this same parchment last night for something I can't remember what, but apparently you can use it several times. Anyway, bacon.
Meanwhile, bust out the frozen OJ that expired in Sept. of 2015 and use it anyway to make a pitcher of non-frozen OJ. Find bottle of Prosecco purchased for 12 dollars at WalMart that you forgot the first time, and had to go back for last week, and open that too and make mimosas.
Crack 4 eggs in a bowl and whisk them with the same knife you sliced up a green onion frond with, dump all that green onion in the eggs. Whisk with your little knife.
After you've started the bacon open two tubes of crescent rolls because Carson keeps putting them in the cart every time we go to the grocery store. Spray the insides of the pampered chef brownie pan with some pam, just a little squirt in the squares, and wipe off the extra, so there isn't any on the edges of the pan or in that area between each square. This is muy importante. Never leave anything on the edges of the pan, wipe it up with a paper towel. Line each square with some crescent roll, it doesn't have to look neat. You will use the first tube and some of a second tube. You can try to squeeze the edges together but it doesn't matter too much.
Once your bacon is done, take a chunk of cheese about the size of a deck of cards or whatever and turn it into smaller chunks. Put some chunks in each square on top of the crescent mess and then use about 1/8 of a cup of egg/green onion stuff per square of crescent cheese. More or less. Whatever. Break up the bacon evenly amongst the squares and prop that in the egg cheese. Using the rest of the second crescent roll tube, sort of cover the tops of the muffins.
You won't need the whole container of bacon but bake it all. At some point someone will come along and make mini-tater-tots in the oven and not believe you that yes they really do need to cook at 425 the whole time, but hey, you told them so.
Where was I? Oh. Put the rest of the second tube of crescent roll stuff on top of the bacon egg cheese etc. and pop that in the oven at 400 till the tops are nice and brown and puffy and the eggs sort of spill out the top a little. Maybe 15 minutes or 20 ish. The muffins will be brown on the bottom too and look great but be really oily because cheese pam crescents are just oily deal with it.
Consume lots of mimosas. Watch football. Wake up your middle son yelling Get Up and scare the buh jeesus out of him because he deserves it for not sleeping anymore at night. Give him a cheesy bacon eggy muffin thing on his belly on a paper towel and that'll make up for yelling wake up at him. The other son will continue to devour the rest of the muffins because he actually does sleep at night so eat a few while you can.
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