jealous

Is it bad to be jealous? I think it is. I mean I hate that feeling. I hate feeling like I would possibly make anyone uncomfortable because of my feelings, which I think is what jealousy is. I think my experience with jealous people was, like, once upon a time this long time ago guy got all mad at me because he thought some other guy liked me. And that isn't what this is. But it feels icky. Generally I attempt to feel as little as possible except for some rather hopeful but currently unstable warm fuzzies. I'm a product of my experience. ooh that's a great cryptic Facebook Status isn't it.

I completely don't want to be that way. Ever. For any reason. But I could be selfish. Or something like that. I hate to examine my own faults. I'd rather prefer to think of myself as perfect.

Well I guess I'm not really like that. I guess I'm more kinda like, um. Well. Different from that. More like, "hey, don't leave me out. Don't leave me period! Don't abandon me. Don't even though rationally I know you won't, just don't."

Ugh I'm a dork. I don't want to be a dork. But I'm always a dork about it. I hate feeling left out and I hate acting like a jerk. And they're inseperable. I get all bent out of shape. I can feel it coming. If I can get it over with right now, is it going to be better all weekend?

After he called to tell me this guy was coming to town for an event we are all attending, I thought about it, realized what would happen. So I left my boyfriend a message. I would have told him in person but he didn't answer his cell. It gets horrible reception in the firehouse.

Like, "if you can predict that this weekend is going to be a weekend you end up having to spend all your time with your guys and not me, could you please let me know in advance"

Because I had expectations for us to spend at least most of your available time time together between now and next Wednesday. Maybe it was, "please let me know in advance so I don't act like a jerk when I start feeling all of a sudden left out like last time. oh and the time before that."

Because it isn't like I really want to spend lots of time with just a bunch of boys. I don't. It's not that much fun unless their girlfriends are along for the party. (I like boy/girl parties, I don't like all boy parties. I never ever want to be that stupid girl sitting on the couch pretending she's not bored/sleepy/uncomfortable.)

And it's something I don't totally understand but I have an inkling that men serve together and therefore form a sort of adhesion to one another. So I wouldn't want to infringe upon it either! But I really did see this weekend/Monday and Tuesday (I don't have the kids) as the last one we would have time to spend together before I go to Louisiana. I mean, we met four years ago on the 11th. It's like, an anniversary. I don't think I'm completely wrong here to have at least some expectation. I just don't know what I've got.